When the energy disappears…

I have no energy left. I can’t be angry, I can’t be annoyed, I can’t get sarcastic, all I can do is sit, sigh, and inwardly weep quietly.

I have to admit that I expected Potters Bar Town to win last night. I didn’t know that they had a winless streak longer than ours, but my confidence was low and expectation wasn’t any higher.

I haven’t felt quite this numb about K’s matches since a defeat away to Burgess Hill in 2017. That game almost certainly confirmed our relegation from the Premier Division, but in reality it was the last match for Tommy Williams as manager and was the catalyst for Craig Edwards to come in, get a good group of players to play and we finished the season flying, in a positive mood and comfortably in mid-table obscurity come season’s end.

Now, our current losing streak is five. We have gone from second place in the table down to thirteenth, and, let’s not over-analyse this, looking bad.

The game last night was one of two halves. We were ok, not much more, in the first half. It was an improvement on previous games, but the bar has been set pretty low. I thought we didn’t deserve to be one down at the break, but for a change we reacted pretty well to conceding the goal and could easily have gained parity at half time. There was scope and hope for improvement.

We didn’t do so, the half time break came and K’s collapsed in the second half. Our visitors’ second goal was a wonderful shot, but he had the freedom of Tolworth, Hook and most of Chessington to get the job done, but even so it was a stonker of a goal. You could see visions of clumps of onion and wisps of sage flying away after that goal, because it knocked the stuffing out of us.

The atmosphere was one of a mixture of deep anger, shoulder shrugging, a sense of gallows humour, and also a regretful feeling of resignation from the supporters. I found myself getting immensely emotional watching from my little hole in the main stand.

I am an emotional person, especially when it comes to my sports teams, most of the time the tears well up and flow when we (whoever “we” is) win, only once has it overwhelmed me after a defeat. This was after an U18s game during the years of constant battering that the team had after in-house politics outside of my control ripped the team asunder. It was after a game against Woking, on what used to be Farnborough North End’s ground, reasonably close to Fleet, I can’t remember if it was a double-figure defeat, but it was close to it, I hauled my weary carcass into the car ready for Rosey to drive us home, and the control went and the tears flowed.

I came very close to this last night. I know it’s an extreme reaction and I shouldn’t take it too seriously or personally, but it’s always been like this and it ain’t gonna change anytime soon. I still don’t feel happy and settled since our move to our new ground, and nights like this hit me hard. There’s been a few too many of them this season… I can’t help it, it is what it is.

At the beginning of the season, there was a lot of promise. We had signed some darn good players, now whilst we didn’t outwardly big ourselves up and declare to the world Billericay-stylee that we were going to win the division and that’s that, the quality of signings were by their very existence a definition of a statement of intent.

Now whilst we are, strictly speaking and with glass unusually half-full, not out of the play-off hunt, our chances are currently weakening with every game. And we have an awful lot of good players who for whatever reason are not playing to anywhere near their potential, who can play some really fine football and do monstrously good things on the pitch, but there is obviously something not right.

If we’re not getting laughed by certain people then they’re either very kind or they’re concentrating on their own issues to give a darn about anyone else’s. If I was a supporter of another team, I’d probably be chuckling quietly. And for that reason alone, something needs to be done.

Billericay eventually came good on their promise last season, I’m not sure any Kingstonian fan can feel the same way now about the K’s, and this is a sad feeling.

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